Of Tunnels and Tactics

I've been without my laptop for a while so I apologize for a lack of posting, so to make up for it I'll try to do a few short posts to fill the gap. So today here's a fun story of one of the best AD&D games I ever had the privilege to DM.

To start, we were playing first edition Advanced Dungeons & Dragons and the entire party were dwarves. If you've not DM'd before let me tell you now that the All Dwarf party is a meme for a reason as the autism involved is far higher than any other party mix. I should have known what to expect but I was still pleasantly surprised. Their names were TenderGloin, Pourin, Thiccli and Fred. All but Thiccli were Fighters and Thiccli was a multiclassed Fighter/Thief.

Well to get to the start of the story, they were in the midst of quest and all they had to do to complete this minor quest and move into the main story was to go from Point A to Point B. However there was a pretty major snag. You see I had forgotten about a cave system I had mentioned previously but they were all too intent on exploring it. Now far be it from me to punish my players due to my own faults so I didn't go OOC and tell them I had nothing in there for them so I pulled out an old (and admittedly lazy) DM trick where I flood an area with enemies and hope my players are smart enough to run away. This would give me time to flesh out the dungeon better and give them a more fun experience. However this is an all dwarf party we're talking about here so they were basically too headstrong to take the hint. So here I am mentally rushing the first few chambers of the caverns and filling them with a veritable fuck load of goblins. This green horde was SUPPOSED to remind the party that discretion is the better part of valor, but I forgot the only thing dwarves hate more than knife ears is the greenskin menace.

To their credit they were rather smart about it and entered the cave at dawn when the goblins were at their weakest and the sun wouldn't throw their shadows into the entrance of the cave. After some solid rolls that let them ace the lookouts with some crossbows they entered the caves. TenderGloin, the unofficial leader of the group, setup a fallback point near the caves entrance and told Thiccli to scout ahead. Now, Thiccli was originally named Jimli but was a TERRIBLE thief who borked nearly every task given to him, and was renamed Thiccli as a joke because clearly his ass cheeks were clapping everywhere he walked, but I fudged his numbers despite failing 3 stealth rolls because I really REALLY did not want to get bogged down in combat as they were so close to finishing the preliminary quest I needed done and I just wanted them to leave the caves until later. Thiccli, through "luck" and cunning, scouted out a somewhat large goblin nest of at least 47 goblins in a deeper chamber with clear noises showing that there were probably more in the shadows outside their infravision. Thiccli does his due diligence and reports it to his fellows, and I, being the dumbass I am think that they will leave. But OH NO, can't have a goblin nest so close to a settlement, even if it's "an idiot human" settlement.

Now due to my rushed mental map that I sketched out as Thiccli scouted ahead, I failed to realize I had setup a ridiculous choke point in one of the chambers. My Dwarven friends however did not, and quickly set about securing said area. TenderGloin and Pourin, armed with Dwarf sized tower shields and 6ft spears (perfectly acceptable polearms for dwarves in my opinion so I ignored the rules for dwarves and polearms here) made a small wall of wood, steel and flesh in this corridor. Fred readied multiple javelins, and loaded two crossbows (because fighters in 1e make great archers) and set up some stones to act as stepping stones behind TenderGloin and Pourin. Thiccli and his semi-worthless fat ass ran ahead with a hand axe and an unlit lantern. He surprisingly was able to sneak into the goblin camp, screamed something in goblin that would likely be considered a hate speech in most countries, and lobbed his hand axe with sniper like precision into the chest of some unfortunate goblin knocking them into a bonfire. With the horde thoroughly pissed off beyond reason and me mentally facepalming at the act of stupid bravado, Thiccli rushed back to the choke point, his ass cheeks clapping all the way while the green tide rushed in behind him. Before reaching his allies, Thiccli then smashed the lantern upon the stone floor, oil spilling everywhere before joining Fred behind his friends.

What happened next can only be compared to Thermopylae. as goblins rushed in they slipped on the oil and broken glass sliding into unyielding steel. TenderGloin and Pourin stabbed any greenskin unfortunate to meet their spears while Fred and Thiccli threw javelins and loosed crossbow bolts into the horde behind the front over their brother's heads thanks to the stepping stones. Within moments a wall of dead lay in front of TenderGloin and Pourin's shield wall and the Dice God Arnie (RNG) smiled upon my dwarves with high rolls and cursed the goblins with Nat 1's and the like. After a handful of turns more than 18 goblins lay dead and despite their overwhelming numbers it was obvious they were not going to break the mighty oak that was the Dwarven line. More fell to their fury and the goblin's ardor for violence waned. Eventually after 27 goblins fell their war chief led a final charge, but this time TenderGloin and Pourin rushed forward, shield bashing and stabbing into the horde in an unstoppable whirlwind of steel and death. I was at a complete loss as they kept rolling over 17 on every attack, and Arnie would not be denied his sacrifice of goblin blood. Fred and Thiccli rushed out behind them throwing their last javelins into the goblin war chief, pinning him to another goblin and slaying both on the spot. Knowing my Green Tide had been beaten I rolled for morale and Arnie called for a complete rout. The goblins broke and ran, with the righteous vengeance of TenderGloin and Pourin following behind them. Most were slain by spear or crossbow bolt to the back and after a terrified flight a few turned and fought ferociously in close quarters to protect their nests. Spears and crossbows were discarded for axes and long seaxes  and bloody work was done. Few wounds were taken as the unstoppable force that was my all Dwarf Party advanced, while the goblins were slain to the very last. No mercy was shown and the goblin children were slaughtered like sheep at the butcher's block. By the end over 59 goblin warriors and 12 goblin children had fallen to the blade.

In complete shock at the overwhelming tactical victory my dwarves had obtained, I granted them a hefty sum of gold and riches from the goblin horde's treasury and they all leveled up without question. We never got to the main line story I'd laid out as it was the last game myself and that group ever played but I know the songs and deeds of TenderGloin, Pourin, Thiccli and Fred live on in all our hearts as they carved their names into the annals of history. To this day whenever I get the privilege to DM for someone, those names strike fear in any goblinoid my players might meet and at least one PC has named their spear "Pourin the Skewer". It's sad we never finished our campaign, but by God was it a beautiful session that deserves sharing and a lesson in tactics to any who delve into the darkness.

Wherever you may travel, no matter how deep the dungeon, or how impossible the odds, remember the prowess and deeds of these four dwarves. Despite impossible odds and innumerable enemies, they not only prevailed but did so without casualty. Keep on reader, and use every tactic available to you, for even the Gods may smile upon your work.