Tales from the Dungeon
It's no secret that I love the game NetHack, but what you might not know is that I am TERRIBLE at it. I have been playing it off and on for roughly fourteen years and I have never, ever beaten it. Hell I rarely ever get very deep at all in the dungeon, let alone to the bottom and back. I can comfortably say I might be the worst semi-active player on the alt.org server. That might seem like hyperbole but I assure you I am laughably bad at NetHack. It is also the only game that I have ever raged at. I mean I've definitely been annoyed with other video games, hell I've even cursed and shouted a little, but NetHack is the only game that has ever caused me such anger I threw a fit like a child and broke something.
Now I am quite certain that some of you are asking yourselves, "Why in fragging hell would you keep playing this game then?" Well for a few reasons honestly. The randomness of the maps, the fact that I love classic dungeon crawls, my love of high fantasy, etc. But I think it also has to do with the sheer, off the wall adventure of it. Like any game with permadeath, you're likely to have a lot of boring deaths that are basic and nothing to write home about. Oh darn you starved to death, or had an early slip up and get stuck somewhere. But eventually you'll get something that is truly wild. Something so unexpected and silly you can't help but laugh at the absurdity of it and start up your next game. Or maybe it's a hard fought last stand? Where you as the hero couldn't make that final save, that one last gasp of life where Lady Luck turns aside from you and you fall in glorious combat. Your final shout of defiance and the memories of your deeds, lost to the endless shadows of the Dungeon. Those are the games you remember and the ones you hope to recapture the next time you login to play. That's most likely why I keep returning to the game, as it is the only dungeon crawler outside of D&D that has ever had me in it's grips in such a way.
So with that I thought I would share a few of my more unfortunate (yet amusing) demises within the Mazes of Menace. Not all were heroic, and some are just down right stupid but they are at the very least entertaining
Falling Down a Flight of Stairs
In NetHack there is a creature known as a "Cockatrice". These lovely little chicken lizards are one of the most terrifying things to run into on your adventures as even their mere touch can cause petrification and immediate death. Even after death they are unsafe to touch. However with some idiotically risky experimentation, I learned two things:
1. You can in fact, touch a dead cockatrice if you have gloves on.
2. You can hit things with it's corpse.
And the best part is, it affects other living creatures the same way it affects you. Instant statue and instant death. When I figured this out (with the help of a very surprised dwarf) I went running through the dungeon, completely unafraid and happy as a Class of '98 Columbine Graduate. Here I was practically skipping through dark hallways and equally dark rooms without a care in the world just swinging my dead rooster-guana in front of me in like a baton. I wasn't scared of anything now, as anything I touched would just turn to stone if they refused to get out of my way. Imagine being some dumb little goblin chilling in your room, when some blundering retard in a loincloth kicks in your door and tally-ho's your ass with a rigor mortis afflicted snake bird until you die from blunt force trauma or turn to stone. I was invincible. I did just kill a few dwarves and gnomes the old fashioned way to get their gear but 4/5 monsters got their shit rocked by a dead medusa parrot. I had so much junk I became burdened under my load. But that's ok, I didn't need to move quickly with my instant win stick. I just had to get to the stairs that lead to a place called Mine Town so I could sell my war booty and restock on food and light. Except there was a third lesson I learned this day,
3. Being over encumbered will cause you to trip down stairs.
Can you guess by the title of this entry what happened next? That's right I fell down the steps and landed onto the very battered (but still potent) corpse of the cockatrice in my hands and was turned to stone. I like to think I scorpioned when I hit the ground and that someone found my statue forever face flopping into the cobblestones like some monument to being a fucking spazz. Truly one of the deaths of all time.
Reading an Unidentified Scroll
During one of my many misadventures I came across a chest filled with various odds and ends. And like most dungeon divers I eagerly looted said box of it's treasures. It wasn't much, a couple of unidentified gems, a potion and a scroll, but all the same I took them for later use or sale. About two levels down I had the misfortune of opening a door into a room full of Urak-Hai. Now this wouldn't necessarily be an issue had I been a Barbarian or a Knight, but I wasn't. I was a very squishy Wizard who was WAY out of his depth. I zapped a few force bolts and killed a few orcs, but ultimately had to bolt myself or die to multiple stab wounds. As I ran I realized I had messed up and found myself in a dead end tunnel. I turned and machine gunned as many Force Bolts as I could down the way I had come, but to no avail, my pursuers while fewer in number were still coming to clap my Wizard cheeks. Thoroughly boned and out of options I threw the potion I'd found at one of my pursuers. With a crash the bottle shattered and the orc... looked significantly better than before.
"Well fuck." said I, as I frantically pulled the scroll from my pack. Now reading an unidentified scroll can be dangerous but for all I knew it could teleport me away or frighten the Uruk-Hai and I really didn't have much to lose. As I read, the scroll was identified as a Scroll of Earth... a cursed scroll of earth...
With a scream of terror (that was cut rather short) a boulder materialized above my head and gravity did the rest. I like to think I pulled a Wile E. Coyote and pulled out a little umbrella right before I was reduced to strawberry preserves.
Seduced by a Water Nymph
One of the funnier (and most annoying) creatures within the game is called a Nymph. They don't hurt you (usually) but if you are a male character they will attempt to seduce you and then steal everything and anything they can get their grubby little hands on. I being the supreme retard of the dungeon, thought I could kill the water nymph before she teleported away. I was very wrong in that assumption, and within a few turns I had lost all of my armor, my weapon and half of my stuff. So here I am, walking around in my underwear with a handful of rocks and a random dagger I got off of a dead goblin, searching for a lusty water nymph who stole all my stuff like she was a vindictive ex-wife. When I finally found her, she stole my dagger and my last food ration.
As you can imagine, this has become quite personal.
Enraged by this slight, I found myself racing through dark tunnels, hellbent on beating this blue bitch to death with a rock and getting my stuff back. Finally I saw her. She was cornered in a room and as long as she doesn't teleport away I ca-
...
I fell into a spike pit and died.
Digging Straight Down
It might surprise some of you who've never played NetHack but you can use a pick axe to dig through walls. It is time consuming, but can be very helpful in getting priceless (or useless) gems. avoiding encounters or circumventing dead ends. You can also dig down to the next dungeon level if you can't find the exit. Now I was in a rut and mad that I kept dying so early on in the dungeon so I decided to do something any veteran Minecraft player or Dwarf would tell you is the dumbest thing you can ever do.
I dug straight down and kept digging.
It was brilliant! Stupendous! Idiotic. While I was flashing past all the dangers and monsters of the dungeon I forgot that I actually needed to level up to survive the deeper parts of the Mazes of Menace. And what's more, I didn't know that once you hit a certain level you can't dig anymore. But that wasn't the worst of it. You see I plopped down right next to a Vampire Lord. As low level as I was all I could do was yelp before being utterly DOMINATED by the monster. I was sucked dry faster than a drunk in Vegas and that was all she wrote. 0 out of 10 would recommend.
Hit a Blue Jelly
This one in and of itself isn't overly funny or special. How I reacted to it however was. Remember how I said NetHack was the only game I have ever raged at? Yeah this was the one. Blue Jellies aren't especially dangerous, really the only time you have to worry about them is in melee as they do cold damage whenever you touch them or vice versa. I being the king of dungeon dorks figured I was tough enough to deal with it and just started whacking the shit out of it and didn't watch my HP. I died from frostbite within a few hits.
It took my brain a few seconds to process this. I sat there staring at the screen in utter shock as my friends watched the Super Bowl completely oblivious to the utter infantile rage I was experiencing. I spent days, weeks even getting to where I was. I back tracked, I grinded, I did everything I could to have the best kit I could get my hands on and with an idiotic few moves I lost it all. I just couldn't believe I'd blown the chance to get into the deepest parts of the dungeon over what I thought was an easy fight. I exploded.
I cursed, raged, and tore apart the cheap office chair I was sitting in. I ripped off an arm rest, punched the back rest so hard I bent the retaining pins and kicked it across the floor.
My buddy (who owned the chair) was like "What the fuck man! You killed my chair!"
I whirled on him, my rage yet to be sated and I screamed "FUCK YOUR FUCKING CHAIR (name)! YOU PAID LESS THAN $10 FOR THAT PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!"
I then pulled out my wallet and threw $40 at him and said "GO BUY A BETTER ONE YOU CHEAP BASTARD! AND MAKE SURE IT'S NOT HALF DUCT TAPE THIS TIME!" and stormed out of the room.
Not my proudest moment to be sure, and I did eventually apologize and help him get a new chair. Still funny to look back on though.
Walk into a Ghost
NetHack has some odd character classes, however they are usually a nod to some famous fantasy setting or author (looking at you Tourist and Archeologist). However I'm not entirely sure where the Samurai class comes in on this but it's fun to play as occasionally. So here I am, an OH SO HONORABER samurai looking for a fight. And boy did I find it. I somehow managed to walk into a room full of orcs and dwarves absolutely beating the ever loving shit out of each other. So of course I decide to wade in, katana at the ready. Being the only Neutral character in the room I was not going to find many friends in the melee. I slaughtered my way through like a blender at a frog convention but the dwarves caught wise and fell back. After a flurry of crossbow bolts I was whittled down to 3 HP so I booked it. As I ran down a side corridor I has stung once more in the ass by the little shits and dropped to 1 HP. Terrified of losing my character I redoubled my efforts and pounded sand. Little did I know there was a ghost ahead of me (they're pretty hard to see in my defense).
Now NetHack has a neat little feature called a Bones file. These allow one to end up on a level that another player might have had allowing you to gather old gear, tame old pets or get murked by zombies, vampires etc of old characters. On a server you can get all kinds but since this was offline I only had my own. I'm sure you can see where this is going.
I ran smack into this ghost, which isn't necessarily dangerous. They usually just kind of paralyze you doing 0-1 damage.
This did 1 damage...
To this day I don't know if this counts as homicide or suicide but it makes me laugh regardless.
Dropping a Wand of Sleep
On a particularly good run I managed to run pretty deep in the dungeon. Had some good armor, gear etc, and felt fairly confident. However I had lost my pet (big suck) and upon descending some stairs I ran into one of the most terrifying creatures of the game. A Master Mind Flayer.
Now if you are unfamiliar with these critters, they can latch onto your head and do damage to your Intelligence stat instead of your HP. This is a serious problem because it is often much lower than your HP and if you hit zero you are MEGA dead. And me being a barbarian, I had shit for INT.
I bailed upstairs and used a can of grease on my helmet (the grease prevents them from nomming on your brains because they can't latch on to you), then rushed back down and charged. It was a battle for the ages, Iron against Magic, axe against hex. I slashed, bashed and cut as good as I got, the Flayer unable to suck out my brain juices and eating axe blow after axe blow to the dome. Eventually however he whittled my health down to dangerous levels. I fell back and quaffed the only potion I had, hoping it would heal me. Instead it turned me into a fucking ghoul. My gear was far too heavy for my new decrepit form to even move so I dropped it all and ran for the stairs. I went up a level and sat on the steps to prevent the Flayer from following me. I sat, and I sat, waiting for the potion to wear off while thinking of flesh (I was a ghoul after all), and eventually it wore off and I was at full health but now I was naked and unarmed.
In a burst of bravery, I sprinted down the stairs and proceeded to grab everything I could, while throwing anything I could at the Mind Flayer (rocks, daggers, a short sword) while trying to obtain my old gear. Unfortunately I didn't pick up a wand I had dropped, and the Master Mind Flayer ganked it and zapped me with it.
...It was a wand of sleep.
At least I was unconscious while he slurped my brain smoothie I guess.
Eating a Pet
In NetHack you spawn with a pet. It's usually a cat or dog (unless you are a knight) and they are incredibly important. They can help in combat, theft and item identification. Killing one even by accident is an incredibly egregious act that will gain you the ire of your God. Now imagine how FUCKING PISSED they get when you eat one.
I didn't kill them, they fell into a pit trap and died. I was currently being screwed by Arnie (the random number god) and could not find an exit. I was starving to death and made the hard decision of eating my beloved friend. This did not go over well with the big guy upstairs and when I was warned of Distant rolling thunder I prayed.
I was pretty new to the game and didn't realize how much of a fuck up this was and was instantly flash blasted by a bolt of lightning for my troubles.
At least the food was okay I guess...
Running Ahead of a Pet
Once while playing a Wizard, I spawned with a cat and a potion of Polymorph. These things can be awful or amazing, and so I opted to tempt fate and chucked it at my poor feline companion. They were then turned into a Skeleton (like a humanoid skeleton not a cat skeleton although that would've been funny). This might sound kind of useless but Skeletons in NetHack are not some low level monster like Goblins or Kobolds. They're actually pretty scary with some intense resistances and the like. The only issue is they are VERY slow. Me being a squishy ass nerd would trek as slowly as possible but still end up waiting for my newly changed enforcer.
It was absolutely worth it honestly, as they just wrecked anything I ever ran into but I was getting impatient waiting on them and even with a wand of Speed Monster they were a pain to wait on. So after a while I lost patience and bolted ahead, confident I could fall back and let my bony bro do the heavy lifting.
Only problem is I stepped on a bear trap... in a room full of angry kobolds. Before my Skellington Son could arrive I was mercilessly stabbed to death like an unpopular black metal guitarist, and died shortly thereafter. I'd be mad but I kind of brought that upon myself. You'd think I'd learn not to abandon my animals.
Thrown off a Pony
If you play a Knight (one of the most OP characters if you do it right) you spawn with a Pony. The Pony can level up to a Horse and eventually a War Horse, and riding them gives a speed boost, an inventory weight boost and allows a charge attack while using a lance that can devastate most monsters if it hits. The only problem is that they require a vegetarian diet (you spawn with some apples and carrots) and if you are below level 3 they will buck you right the fuck off.
I did not know this at the time and thought you needed to break the horse so I kept attempting to mount it and eventually died of a broken neck. I was only on level 2 of the dungeon.
As you can see, NetHack offers some pretty hilarious deaths and gameplay mechanics. It is an absolute must for anyone who is a fan of D&D or roguelikes, and I can not recommend it enough. The replay value, and the sense of accomplishment is insane. The devs really do think of everything with this gem. If you didn't enjoy my stupid death stories at bare minimum I hope I've convinced you it's worth a try. Even if you hate permadeth, or ascii type games I am literally begging you not to make my mistake of avoiding the game like I originally did (My dumbass thought Hack literally meant it was a computer hacking game). The nods to famous fantasy, the amount of things one can do and the innumerable chuckle worthy ways one can die make it a game for the ages. If you are a fan of RPGs and Dungeon Crawls you do yourself a severe disservice if you don't at least try it.
God speed and good hunting. May the Oracle not speak in riddles and the Grid Bugs not bite.
Happy dungeon diving!